Cpt Corner

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Welcome to the Captain’s corner.

This section contains humorous musings about the various creatures/things that infest New York.  It is a compilation of satire from our writers, directed towards people who try too hard to associate themselves with an image.  We recognize that everyone is their own unique snowflake, but if you are offended, good.  We are probably talking about you.

Creed of Mischief – If you want to be part of the Pointless Mischief Hooligan Clique; because you too pledge allegiance to Satan, have the impulsive desire to write on everything, offend people for no reason, and get drunk and steal things you don’t need, then click (here) to purchase PM stickers and merchandise.

 

 

 

 

 

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Can we put up orange netting every time bored hipsters try to wonder into Manhattan? – A response to the Brooklyn Bridge/Occupy Wall St. Arrests:

 

First off, I would like to say that I am fine with people who take issue with a lack of regulation on Wall Street. The state of our county’s economy, along with unemployment and the mortgage crisis are real issues that affect many Americans in serious and tragic ways. That being said, I would like to thank the hipsters who have joined the cause for proving just how ineffective and backwardly idiotic, we have always assumed they were. The Occupy Wall Street protests have been going on now for weeks and still not one leader, organized list of demands, or plan for reform has been presented. Instead what has happened has been a virtual hippy summer camp, including: bongo’s, arts and crafts, dressing like zombies to mock those of us who ARE employed (the most insulting and contradictory move for their “cause”) and culminating this past Saturday by marching down the Brooklyn Bridge into giant orange police netting, resulting in 700 arrests.

Secondly, how dare you make us here at Pointless Mischief side with the police on anything! But 700 hipsters trapped in orange netting, thrashing around like whiney, pseudo-intellectual flounder, they themselves walked into, is possibly one of the funniest mental images imaginable. However, it is hard to say which group or people we here at the website hate more, I guess its cops.  Hipsters have never stopped any of us from drunkenly doing donuts in a parking lot with prostitutes in our car. But we will have to give this round to the 5-0; simply for having the cunning to know that these semi-illiterate protestors would walk themselves into jail. God, hipsters aren’t even good at being criminals!

Now at least occupying Wall Street makes sense, that’s where the financial institutions (some of them) are. But why the march across the Brooklyn Bridge? Aside from the easy access for most of the protestors, who live in Brooklyn, shutting down the Brooklyn Bridge literally has nothing to do with financial reform. It simply obstructs the road for the hard working taxpayers, who are trying to go about their day, and whose taxes go to paying for the protestors’ unemployment. I can assure you, none of the “fat cat bankers” are spending their Saturdays trying to get to Brooklyn. Since this story received national news coverage, it is the perfect outlet for the protestors to get their message across; however they failed to do even that. According to interviews in the NY Times: “One woman gave a pep talk to what looked like a new recruit. “It’s about taking down systems, it doesn’t matter what you’re protesting,” she said. “Just protest.””. That right there is ridiculous, who is going to take the message of someone who is “protesting just to protest” seriously? It takes away any validity the cause might have had.  “We sang ‘This Little Light of Mine,’ ” said Annie Day, 34, who when asked her profession said, “I’m a revolutionary.” Ms. Day was wearing laceless Converse sneakers: police had required the removal of all laces as well as her belt.” (NYT) The same people who view themselves as revolutionaries, for being arrested for 5 hours, are the same people who are complaining that the police “tricked” them into walking into the netting. The police are not on your side, remember? You’re “taking down systems”. I don’t think the riots in Cairo were won by singing “This little light of mine” and waiting for police to lead you to the right protesting circle. Not one protestor quoted was able to talk about the issues at hand.

Its hard to imagine that a group of people who would rather dress up like zombies to mimic those with corporate jobs than pursue gainful employment, think they are qualified to tackle a problem as serious and complicated as financial reform.  Especially considering, if they wanted to make any actual change, they should have done this protest two years ago. Unfortunately, for once our generation has a real social issue, and instead of rallying behind one voice or ideal, the issue has been overrun by a bunch of lazy coffee shop-revolutionaries, who see an easy opportunity for soft-core suburban martyrdom to brag to their friends about on Flickr.

References:

 http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/10/01/police-arresting-protesters-on-brooklyn-bridge  http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2011/10/03/erin-burnett-seriously-wall-street.cnn

 

Happy Rosh Hashanah! (This is not a personal attack on religion, simply one of our writers messing with a good friend of his, if evangelical Christians believed in computers, we’d harass them too)

CptMischief:  is today shomer shabos?

Sent at 12:38 PM on Wednesday

Joshua:  that doesnt mean anything you tard

today is rosh hashanah

CptMischief:  shomer fucking shabos!

CptMischief:  is rosh hashanah the jewish halloween?

Joshua:  its new years ass

CptMischief:  new years isnt till january tho

Joshua:  you’re inteligence or lack thereof amazes me to no end

CptMischief:  listen, its not my fault that jewish people have never seen a calendar

they arent even expensive!

Joshua:  you rascist ass

CptMischief:  HAHAHAHAHA

CptMischief: And I believe its “intelligence” (not a word you want to spell wrong when insulting someone).

Joshua:  when did the modern calendar start?

CptMischief:  3 days after you killed christ

Joshua:  1582 you ignorant pice of work

your pope introduced the gregorian calendar

CptMischief:  hahaha, ur crazy

Joshua:  till then you retards were going by season and not counting shit

we’ve been counting for almost 6000 years

CptMischief:  u do love counting

Joshua:  suck it, fuck you

 

Creeping out on the subway:

The other morning, as I rushed onto the subway and sat down, I saw this girl I was convinced looked exactly like an old friend of mine from school. The kind of friend I am constantly running into at parties and social functions, yet whose name always escapes me, and who always gives me a hard time about not remembering her and saying hi. I was sitting right across from her, and although the subway was too crowded to speak to each other, I tried to wave hello. In the mornings, I am usually tired, grumpy, and often hung over, and the dull, mindless glow of the subway lighting, combined with having to make eye contact with the weirdo’s  I am shoving out of my way, results in the fact that I am usually “that guy” who keeps his shades on in the subway. She did not seem to recognize me so I took off my shades and just blatantly stared at her and gave a little wave. The girl looks over at me with an expression of total confusion and utter horror. Turns out it wasn’t her, and whoever this girl was got realllyyy uncomfortable and looked at me like I was the Craigslist Killer.  So I just put my shades back on and read my paper like nothing happened.  The girl, now sufficiently creeped out beyond belief, immediately got off on the next stop, which I am almost certain was not her stop, her morning most definitively ruined. I, however, laughed the rest of my ride to work. The morale of the story: If you’re bored and want a good pickmeup on the subway, find a total stranger and just stare at them, and watch the hilarity ensue.

 

Technical Issues:

*We apologize for the delay in updates and the summer hiatus. It was due impart, to the person we hired to perform the technological maintenance and upkeep of the site. This individual was so offended by some of the postings on this site that she refused to fulfill her end of the agreement, which we paid her to do. We took this as a sign that our site is on the right track. Below is our email correspondence with her:

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2011 08:45 pm
Subject: Re: fixes
From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
To: XXXXXXX@gmail.com

Captain Mischief,

While I do appreciate your positive feedback in the past. The part I can’t
get over is, “We all know women don’t possess the mental capacity to
read, so writing anything here is pointless.”

I do have a sense of humor but to me that just isn’t funny.

The sushi/strip club article was actually pretty good.

–Edna

Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2011 10:07 am
Subject: Re: fixes
From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
To: XXXXXXX@gmail.com

Dear “Edna”,

We here at Pointless Mischief are equally offended that you would stoop so low as to fulfill the horrible stereotype that a woman can not hold a job. Here you are, an empowered woman, who we chose to hire over a man, and yet you once again have reinforced the notion that if you need a job done well, you have to hire a man to do it. This is very disappointing. We wish you were a better role model for young impressionable women in the work place. It’s a shame in this day and age a woman such as yourself can’t handle balancing her job with getting her nails done and cleaning the kitchen. I am also curious as to what man read this website aloud to you, and then helped your write such a defeatist email.

Sincerely,

Captain Mischief

Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2011 11:30 am
Subject: Re: Re: fixes
From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
To: XXXXXXX@gmail.com

Captain Mischief,

Is this a real apology? How am I suppose to take that seriously? You are just fulfilling the stereotype of a chauvinistic male, who talks down to women. I will not contribute to such an offensive site. And for the record, no, no man read your stupid website aloud to me, nor would I need one to. I did not receive my degree in online web design by not knowing how to read.

-Edna

 

Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2011 12:23pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: fixes
From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
To: XXXXXXX@gmail.com

Dear “Edna”,

There is no man with you to read the website aloud? Can’t say I am too shocked by that one…

PS. Glad you liked the sushi/strip club article. Now THOSE women had a work ethic AND a sense of humor.

 

Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2011 1:40 pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: fixes
From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
To: XXXXXXX@gmail.com

Captain Mischief,

Why do you keep putting my name in quotes? Do you think I am using a fake name or are you mocking me?  You are unprofessional and arrogant and I will not be involved in any further dealings. Please stop emailing me.

-Edna

 

Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2011 1:48 pm
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: fixes
From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
To: XXXXXXX@gmail.com

Dear “Edna”,

I suspect you don’t mean that, if it was not for these emails, I am afraid you would become bitter and unpleasant towards the world, as you would almost certainly be devoid of any human contact.

XOXO,

-Captain Mischief

Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2011 11:24 am
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: fixes
From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
To: XXXXXXX@hotmail.com

Please do not email me again. I will not respond.

 

Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2011 11:34 am
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: fixes
From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
To: XXXXXXX@hotmail.com

Dear “Edna”,

Are you sure?

 

Cops on Segways – Lately I have noticed the subway stations of New York being patrolled by comically ridiculous looking police officers on Segway’s. As if cops needed a reason to be lazier or fatter. There is no way you are intimidating anyone when you look like Robocop mated with the geeky hall monitor, and your head is 3 inches from the ceiling. Not to mention, you are not stopping any criminals with the intellectual prowess to run up a flight of stairs. Also did I mention they wear helmets? Because they wear helmets. And these guys wonder why they got picked on in high school.

 

Sidewalk Conversations – Hypothesis: Is it possible to walk past other people who are having a conversation on the street and only hear part of it, and not think they sound idiotic? Everyday I lose more faith in humanity/increase my feeling of supreme awesomeness towards others, when I walk by a group of people talking, and not ONCE have I over heard something that sounded intelligent, cool, mature, or even kept me from wanting to violently strike them. Quotes such as: “I mean, has she even tried to find a guy on Match yet?” or “Yea yea, I mean, homeboy didn’t have the money cus he has that larceny case”, “Whatever, you said you were going to call me last night and you didn’t.” “Dude, it was so fun, I got soooo wasted” or “I mean, I buy Baby Phat, cus you know my ass can’t fit in no True Religion Jeans.” (Real quotes). Now, this could be for a number of reasons, perhaps most of the population IS that stupid, and their conversations are that inane, but also it could be the “reality-tv factor”, where as, when observing other people unscripted from a place of judgment, you always feel superior and they always sound stupid, hence why so many people enjoy that mind-numbing trash tv, so perhaps I can give you the benefit of the doubt. Just remember, people are listening and you sound retarded.

Women who think they are “really stressed” all the time because they have a job: Yes that’s right, just because you say you are super busy, or have to get up early because you have to work, does not mean anyone is impressed, or that you are some how a harder worker then anyone else. EVERYONE has to get up early for work. You are not “busy” you are simply “employed” like the rest of the world, and you’re not use to it. Getting up an hour early to do your hair and get ready for work, does not constitute any kind of superior work ethic. Women say things like “Ughh I’m sooo stressed, I have to get up and get ready for work tomorrow.” Men say: “Well, it’s Tuesday”. Women, relax, you only have to actually work for 5-10 years of your life, then you get your maternity leave, followed by the inevitable staying at home to raise the kid, and tennis lessons. Unless you’re fat, in which case, you have something to be stressed about. Either hit the gym or get a second job.

People who bring strollers on the subway – If you can not afford something other then public transportation, you can not afford to have kids. Get out of my way.

Scaffolding- It is completely hideous, and ruins the only good thing about walking around the dirty, over crowded streets of Manhattan, which is looking up at all the tall buildings and feeling important, and thinking to yourself: “Oh, this is just like that movie where that guy lived in New York…” But no, with scaffolding, there is nothing to see, it is a haven for homeless people and rapists to bother you, you can’t tell where the sidewalk is going, or what stores you are passing. And you are always getting dripped on from above by this gross, radioactive ooze, and not the good kind that turns you into a Ninja Turtle.

Shia Labeouf- Dear Mr. “Labeouf” (which is a stupid name from jump street), Please stop ruining every sequel to a classic movie that you are in. You have destroyed Indiana Jones, Wall Street and the Transformers franchise, not to mention movies like Eagle Eye, which no one saw. Also, Mr. Labeouf, why are you always riding a motorcycle in your movies? Do you think that makes you bad ass? YOU PEREPTUALLY LOOK LIKE YOU ARE 12. Nothing about you says motorcycle tough guy, or that you can even balance on one. No matter what you do, you will be that little spazz kid from “Even Stevens” so play roles as such. Don’t even get me started on the fact you got to kiss Megan Fox….

Actor – An “Actor” in New York is different then an “Actor” in Hollywood. An “Actor” in New York is not actually an “actor” but a vain, closet case “waiter”, whose mom told him he was the prettiest boy in school. If you are confused, ask: “what have you acted in?” If they answer is “nothing”, than they are an “actor”.

Writer- An emotionally immature, alcoholic, whose ego dictates that not only are they brilliant, but that clearly the world needs to hear their thoughts, and as a result of these neurotic hang-ups, can hold no other job.

Jets Fans – A subterranean troglodyte that evolved from Homo-Erectus underground in the New York subways. Not quite as evolved as Homo Sapiens, but still possess many of the same physical traits, although they often have a thicker coat of fur. However they lack some key defining traits such as opposable thumbs and the ability to read. Instead, Jets fans can only communicate through mono-syllabic grunts and chants (i.e. “J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS! is their most advanced form of dialogue). Their basic diet consists of Italian sausage and Coors Light. Although highly aggressive, they are easily confused and blinded by Tom Brady’s Super Bowl rings.

Feminists – We all know women don’t possess the mental capacity to read, so writing anything here is pointless, all I have to say is, enjoy preaching about equality to your two house cats. No one understands how you have time to protest while somewhere there is a man who has not had his dinner yet.

People who spell “Ridiculous” with an “E”. – This does not pertain necessarily to anyone in New York, but rather my idiot fellow Generation Y’ers, who have been ruined by spell check, X-box and iPhones. THERE IS NO LETTER “E” IN THIS WORD! Please do not update your Facebook statuses again telling me about how “Totally rediculous last nights party was.”

Hipsters – Hipsters are former high school nerds who now think they are cool because they no longer care about accomplishing anything and have the fashion sense of a Renaissance Fair worker. Just so we are clear, the advertising industry invented the idea of being a “hipster” to convince bored and angsty suburban teenagers to buy products they don’t need in order to “identify” with a cultural revolution that never happened, and was never about anything in the first place, just spending their money at urban outfitters as opposed to polo, and to make obsolete products “hip” again. A concept they conform to happily in an order to escape their yuppie futures, not realizing all they are doing is pouring money into the very machine they are hoping to rebel against. Simply brilliant marketing. At least they are being ironic.

Goths – Do people still follow this trend anymore? I still see the occasional Goth wondering the streets. It has been my hope that the all the kids I went to high school with who went through that “Goth” phase have all since killed themselves, and if they have not, then they were just posers.

Tyler Perry – Who is this guy? Why is he famous? Can someone explain this? For someone who has his name endorsing everything he does, one would assume he had done something funny. If you haven’t seen one of his movies or TV shows, let me describe all of them to you. A fat black father, and his dysfunctional, yet heart warmingly charming family, go through various challenges that teach them life lessons about being comfortable with yourself. All the while Tyler Perry runs around dressed as a woman making stereo-typical ethnic jokes. In the end, no one cares.
People who bring bicycles on the subway – Just die. If you are going to use the bicycle as an alternative form of transportation then RIDE YOUR BICYCLE! Don’t bring it with you on an over crowded subway in the morning when I’m late for work, dressed like you just came from a party in Chelsea. No one thinks you are cool, athletic or environmentally conscious. People think you are an inconsiderate toolbox, who should be hung from the strap hangers by your spandex shorts, while you are force fed metal scraps of your precious Schwinn piece by piece.

 

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